I started homeschooling through gritted teeth back in 2017. It was one of those times where I had full confidence that it was what God wanted for our family. The problem was that it wasn't what I wanted for our family.
I remember feeling unqualified and unhappy for the task set before me. I was going to attempt to work from home and homeschool at the same time and I really had no idea how it was going to work out. What I did know was that God was in it with me and that he would sustain and equip me as I went.
I ended up scaling back on work so that I could have adequate time to focus on school. That meant a cut in income as well. But I thought, "It's ok, God will provide."
I think I kind of assumed that there would be an ease to this transition since I knew I was being obedient. Somewhere in the back of my brain I figured my husband would get a raise out of nowhere to cover the financial sacrifices we'd made for me to educate our kids at home. Or that maybe I would suddenly tap into some supernatural patience that God only bestows on homeschool moms to make schooling a piece of cake.
Spoiler alert: none of those things happened. You know what happened instead? We got handed a mound of medical bills after a hard diagnosis and multiple surgeries for our son. And I questioned myself daily as I lost my patience and day dreamed about all the other things that I could be doing if I had just sent my kids to public school.
I heard author Sarah Walton say on a podcast somewhere in the middle of those first few years of homeschool that "Obedience doesn't guarantee our desired outcomes. Sometimes its only purpose is to teach us faithfulness."
That's when it clicked. Looking back I can see that my expectations of obedience were flawed. I wouldn't have been able to put my finger on it then, but I expected things to be easy as a reward for my obedience. But God never guarantees this. Just because God is in something doesn't mean that it will be without struggle.
With fresh eyes I could see how the Lord had in fact sustained, equipped and provided. It just didn't happen in the ways I assumed it would.
It came in the form of sanctification. God revealed my sinful and selfish desires and showed me how to die to myself daily. With time, I have become more patient by the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life.
It came in the form of generosity from friends and family showing up to help us bear burdens our family faced in the aftermath of 3 surgeries and 4 hospital stays.
It came in the form of seeing the impact homeschooling has had on our family. The fact that we get to spend so much precious time together, that I get to teach every subject from a Christian worldview, and the sweet bond our kids have from spending all day together.
And it came in the form of great joy. Because there is joy in knowing that you are doing exactly what God has called you to do. There is joy in being reminded that His ways are better than my ways. And there is joy in resting in his faithfulness. Even when it's not what you expected.
Obedience doesn't guarantee our desired outcomes. But I believe it does guarantee growth. And it will definitely include God's provision and faithfulness.